• creative practice,  self compassion

    it’s OK

    it’s been an interesting week. lots of waiting. waiting for baby (not here). waiting for deliveries(not even shipped). waiting for news ( i don’t really want to hear) and phone calls ( that are really hard to hear when your phone is on do not distrub :(. ) lol. of course, this is really nothing to complain about but i realize how d**n impatient i am these days. i want things to happen faster than an instant and with very little inconvenience to me. this tends make one (aka me) act like an a**h**e for lack of a better word and that is my struggle…maybe it is a human struggle.…

  • creative practice,  self compassion

    revolution in the heart

    “create whatever causes a revolution in your heart” — elizabeth gilbert on january 7, 2017, i began my artist residency in motherhood. i was not sure what that meant. i just knew that i had to begin. i still don’t know what that means but i just know i want to continue. i didn’t have a huge or really any sustainable creative hobby the last time i had a newborn almost four years ago. i read books on parenting instead and tried to figure out how to be a mother and recover from my birthing experience…that’s a story for another day. that may or may nor have been helpful, in…

  • self compassion,  writing

    rising with mystery

    these past few weeks have been all over the road emotionally, mentally and physically. i’ve not tried to contain or explain them (in great depth) but i have tried to be honest with myself about what is happening. one thing that keeps coming up is my “need” to control all the things and the fact that i have very little control over anything.  we (or rather I) often say, “it’s out of my control” and then we/i do everything possible to control a situation. i’ve been doing that with several situations and most likely for several years and that really doesn’t work. i wish i could say there was a…

  • self compassion

    what do you need?

      sometimes, i ask my son, in a far too annoyed tone “what do you need? today he turned around and asked me the same thing? what do you need?   i mean really, what do i need? i can have a day full of everything i want and still i am moody and gnawing on invisible bones. what do you need? i need space. a pause from my self and responsibilities. to listen to music and do nothing. to feel my own breath as my only company for a moment. to sip silently and expand into myself. to shake some of my resentment and bad tones from my shoulders.…

  • self compassion,  writing

    waiting

    These day feel slow and fast ticking. Like a collision of breathlessness and endless waiting. Waiting in the distance between spaces of who we will become. Waiting for Who I will become again and who I will be anew.    A small pile of weeks to keep me company. A small pile of worries to dissolve. To hide under. Unless. I take the time to face them like old friends, lean close and comfort them at my bones.  I cleave to this time as much as I wish it away. I want the new and the familiar all in one. I try not to be too excited but I can’t help…

  • self compassion,  writing

    the conversation

    this week I had one of the realist conversations of my life. You don’t need to know the particulars to know that it ended in tears, heart-felt stories shared, apologies and some very loose ends. the conversation, itself, was a major victory. the loose ends can be expected. loose ends should be expected. i know that we live in a world that wants a victory lap after everything. sometimes, all we have is a small wave from our heart. maybe, a tender voice inside, saying…”yes, this is where you are suppose to go. Thank you for showing up”.

  • self compassion,  writing

    wide-open hearts

    yesterday was one of those days, where i completely lost my sh*t for a few moments. oh, it was nothing huge but it was a mix of a pile of frustrations and sheer tiredness (a dangerous cocktail for me). it was one of those moments when i thought all my hard-won progress in a certain area was just evaporating and the situation felt so hopeless. i wanted to blame someone. anyone but me. so naturally, it blamed the people around. for the record, this does not make for a lovely or peaceful situation. not at all. somehow, we rode out of it. maybe it was just taking some space from…

  • self compassion,  writing

    writing and healing

    writing these days seems challenging. the words are just not flowing but then i wonder when they last did. and if that even matters. sometimes, when i write i think i am suppose to have all the answers but i am slowly seeing that writing really just brings up more questions. one of the best things writing has given me is a little more self-awareness. this awareness has given the courage to try and meet myself as i am where i am but also gently (and slowly) align myself to something bigger than me. you see, i have been struggling (as usual) to understand what the purpose of my writing…

  • self compassion,  writing

    your courage

    your courage is pounding inside the fire/let it rise up and consume you/let it heal you/let it remake your edges wider and softer/ let it drop you beyond your own knowing/into the center of uncertainty and flames/your inner compass will roar with the added pressure/ the stillness will teach you/let it/ you are becoming more you with each breath/ you are holding the resistance upon your chest/but burning with life and grit/ I can feel the heat of your radiance/surrounding this world.  

Bitnami