Freedom is a practice

Last night, i had a dream in dreams that I received a comment about how spacey, rambling and incomplete my work is here. In my dream, i was not hurt but i wanted to justify but something stopped me…and then i woke up.

This morning my mantra was something about being inherently valuable (thank you Combahee River Collective for access to that wording). Something about deserving to been seen and to find pleasure and joy in what i find them in. The ability to ruminate and be flawed and fully human…not always right or wrong but full of grays and blues, too.

i am going through a journey of unlearning and uncollecting things that don’t belong to me. My body and soul are dancing in dabbled light in the morning. Boundaries are being drawn. Walls turned to wildflowers. It is a journey and i am soft and creative enough to hold it.

Last night I also dreamed about going to a party and being unable to decide what to wear. Finally it came down to two dresses and chose the one that made me heart sing. It fit the occasion but was me and i was me.

if i am honest, i am learning me. Learning who I am and what i truly believe and what i just latched onto because that is what was in the atmosphere. I am realizing my power, to an extent to create my own atmosphere. To rise inside myself and give myself the gentleness and strength my heart seeks.

This summer i had plans (in my head) to do lots of core work. I want to help my posture. I have had years of slouching and slumping trying to fit myself into shapes that don’t serve my body or soul.

TBH , Core work is hard. So hard and sweaty. It’s not pretty but then you glow like beam of light afterwards.

radiate

i just want to live in that.

not always, but mostly.

i told my husband i am not into realism.

i’m an abstract artist.

i can imagine worlds. Create them with paint and marks.

undo and revive. Broken things.

remake. Reimagine.

With the the stroke of an hand.

i am not god or striving to be

but i know who lives in me.

i know the truth of me. Even when i don’t know how to live

fully in it or have the right words to say over it.

we still have power and the emperor wears no clothes.

Imagine listening to frogs singing in the calm afternoon on the bayou.

a pole in the water.

fishing for nothing.

just learning the water.

the people above and below.

the sounds and sights that feel beyond your depth.

danger and marvelous thick in the mud.

none of this makes sense

once you realize that ..

you start to feel freer.

once you claim yourself

as part of something holy and good

your life leaps inside your body

freedom is a practice.

Keep going.