• writing

    what matters

    one thing these past few weeks and months have taught me is that life is most certainty not a formula.it’s most certainly not about who is watching and what they like. it’s not about perfection or 5 steps to whatever…. you can do everything right and still it all falls apart. you can want someone to live and they die. you can want to hold someone you love as they leave this world and instead never hear their voice again. you can want to have a, b and c and maybe you get z. you can have all the material abundance in the world and be lonely. you can be…

  • self compassion,  writing

    rising with mystery

    these past few weeks have been all over the road emotionally, mentally and physically. i’ve not tried to contain or explain them (in great depth) but i have tried to be honest with myself about what is happening. one thing that keeps coming up is my “need” to control all the things and the fact that i have very little control over anything.  we (or rather I) often say, “it’s out of my control” and then we/i do everything possible to control a situation. i’ve been doing that with several situations and most likely for several years and that really doesn’t work. i wish i could say there was a…

  • writing

    let your uncomfortableness feed you

    we want to jump from our (un)comfortableness. we want to wrap up our humanity in a pretty bow and isolate our feeling and the rawness of life from our little air castles. death and grief are as natural as birth and joy. there is a bit of thread connecting it all.   don’t rush to swallow your tears and cleanse the room. let the softness of your toes on the ashes remind you of your ultimate destiny.   let death be as it is. a part of life. don’t placate it with empty words.   let it break your heart. hold your self open to the flood of feelings. they…

  • writing

    open your hands to the water

    if your heart is restless awaiting water maybe all you have you have to do is step in the river and open your hands i don’t really feel as optimistic as this. currently, going through photos…finds fragments ofmy friends, family and myself. seeing and feeling in words and pictures already written. the sting of loss is hard and overreaching. dry and fertile with memories and dreams. we can’t force our way through the water or the grief. we know the water stands. it abides. it waits for us. no matter how long it takes to get there. even if just a toe…one day. not now. now is the time to…

  • Uncategorized

    grandma

    last year, my mom called me and told me my grandma died. only she didn’t actually say that or maybe she did. at any rate, last year my grandmother did not die. i was embarrassed and delighted that i had got it wrong. It was sad, nonetheless because my aunt B died instead and this was after a year of 5 losses for my extended family. people were gutted. i was gutted even though i live so far away. these are the people who gave me reality and showed me the world. it hurt. it hurts, even the possibility of losing the ones we love.  so i promised myself since…

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