Showing up, a rambling of sorts


What i want to tell you is that life has been so strange these past six months. Not in a bad way. In a wonderfully hard way. Healing requires a bit of elbow grease and loads of self-compassion. Some days are better than others. Some days, I forget I was ever “sick” and then other days it hangs around my neck like a greedy lover threatening to gobble me up. I have not wanted to really talk about these things on the internet because we all know the internet is forever.

However, in this most vaguest way possible I guess i have to say something or it will haunt me like a shame wound. And i am not ashamed. I am just sensitive that the things i go through or went through or not the most important things about me. They are part of the story but not the whole story. I guess that is why art has become so important to me in these last few years.

Yes, I have always created but not seriously and not for my own soul. Learning that my voice is worthy of being heard, that my story is worthy of being told…however i want to tell it has been so enlightening.

I guess I am writing this because i want us to know that it is okay if we are full of weakness. That it is okay if we wish that we had victory over our minds (and/or bodies ) and don’t. As they use to say “there is always more than one way to skin a carrot (or cat but that is yucky). In the church, they say that even in our weakness, especially in our weakness, we can know the power of Christ. I know that everyone does not believe that but i think that the lesson remains. That the things that feel burdensome and thorny can also be a path, a way of seeing the world and yourself with deeper compassion and kinship. The truth is most of us live messy lives. We just hide it because we think we are the only ones that can’t get it together.

Art reminds me that I have very little control over the things of life(no matter what they try to sell you and tell you) but I have a lot of control over my own reverence, enthusiasm and creative problem solving that I bring to the table.

Yes, this a rambling. I don’t know where I get these impulses but i do know that we have to bring forth what is in us—the good, the bad, the horrid…the shame…the beauty…it’s all a part of the story….there is no bypassing…just showing up and becoming more human as we strive to create the dreams and world of our longings.

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