wide-open hearts


yesterday was one of those days, where i completely lost my sh*t for a few moments. oh, it was nothing huge but it was a mix of a pile of frustrations and sheer tiredness (a dangerous cocktail for me). it was one of those moments when i thought all my hard-won progress in a certain area was just evaporating and the situation felt so hopeless.

i wanted to blame someone. anyone but me. so naturally, it blamed the people around. for the record, this does not make for a lovely or peaceful situation. not at all.

somehow, we rode out of it. maybe it was just taking some space from the situation and seeing things clearer. maybe it was challenging my self to see how i could help it vs just layer blame upon blame on things and people. maybe it was having a snack. maybe it was my partner calling me back to reality or tripping over a rug. who knows, what breaks the trance?

i want to stop being a blamer. i know, we love to blame in this society. trust me, i do think that there are those deserving of the guilt and accusations leveled at their feet. some times, i am deserving of guilt and accusations leveled at my feet but i don’t know who i am serving with all this blaming.  i don’t know, i really am just asking?

i can’t even pretend ,i won’t open my mouth, move my cursor and type a word of blame again but i do want to challenge myself to not fly to blame. i don’t want it to be my default defense mechanism. some times i am wrong. some times situations are complicated. some times there are a lot of guilty hands and sometimes mine is one of them.

i keep coming back to the changes at the micro-level, the changes that i can inhabit in my own life, to make this world a lighter and brighter place. i keep wanting to challenge the ideas of kindness and light as trends and buzz words and dive into them as flesh and blood ways of being.

this challenging of myself and the politics of domination inside myself (and this world) means that i keep coming back to being pragmatic and generous, even when i have boiled over and flopped around around in anger, sadness, etc. it means that i keep trying. this means i keep showing up, even when it feels hopeless. this challenging means i keep feeling, the good, the bad and the very ugly. this means i don’t back away from the places that scare me. this means that i allow words to become actions, that i reclaim words and let of ways that have poisoned me. over and over again (until i physically and/or mentally can’t).

this does not mean i don’t lose my cool. even saint lose their cool. it just means that i keep challenging myself to see beyond the agitation to the heart of the matter. this means, that in my own little circle of influence, i keep trying (and failing) to rise to the occasion. 

this is how closed hearts become wide- open hearts.